Not Surrendering
by Kelly 4034
Summary: Even though the world breaks your heart, you can't give up.


Not Surrendering

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or its world. J.J. Abrams has sole custody to its ideas that make it to the show. 

_"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,   
I'll tell you that.  
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it   
where's the sense in that? _

_I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder   
Or return to where we were _

_Well I will go down with this ship   
And I won't put my hands up and surrender   
There will be no white flag above my door   
I'm in love and always will be"_

_"White Flag"_

_Dido _

_"The world either breaks or hardens the heart."_

_                                                            -Nicolas Chamfot_

            There was certain stillness to the room. The only noise made was the repeated beeping of the heart monitor. It seemed to calm her. It told her he was still fighting and was going to make it. She remembered that the last time she came to the hospital it was also for him. Silent tears start to fall from her face as she remembers that once again he is here because it is her fault.

            He looked so pale and there was so many tubes hooked up to him. It was like a nightmare. It was a nightmare one from which she would never wake. Everything in the world was against her. She sat down in a vacated chair nest to his bed and she carefully took his usually strong hand in to her small hand and she gently grasped it as the tears began to fall more rapidly.

            "Hi," she said in a small whisper, it seemed to still break the silence in the room.

"I know you probably won't ever want to see or speak to me again, but I just had to say I am sorry. I am so sorry. I probably can't say it enough. I'm the reason you're in here," she sobbed. She then chocked a sob and the tears flowed harder as the caused her body to shake and tremble.

            "I remember the last time I was here was because of you. I know you hate coming to the hospital, unless it is for something happy. I'm sure the next time you come here you'll be here for something joyous. Like when you become a father. You'll make a great father. I know I imagined you always would and you will when…when…"she ceased as she brought her eyes to his left ring finger, to where the ring that separated both of them. Another thought of something she wouldn't ever have.

            "Time to change the subject; you were a teacher before you came back, I've wanted to ask you what you thought of it. I know I wish I could go teach. It just seems like I just get sucked farther into the CIA. I don't know if I will ever get out. You know, I think that was my biggest mistake. When SD-6 was taken down, when I went to go quit and Kendall threatened to take away clearance to see my mother. I should have just quit. It would have been worth it even not to have clearance to see my mother, she just betrayed us, betrayed me again," she stopped briefly to wipe her eyes and then she continued on. 

"If I had just quit, I could've been a teacher, and we would have still been together…" she stopped because she knew where it would lead. 

"There is no sense in wishing my way out of things. I can't stand what ifs. I hate them. They make me think of things I wish I had. I don't need anymore of that. Every time I see you I think of that. You said that you loved me it so much it almost killed you. Well, I love you so much it is killing me," she stopped because she was starting to yell. 

She began again with a whisper. "Every time I see you kiss your wife, it kills me to know that could have been me. I blamed you. But, there is no use in blaming anyone but myself. I know self-pity, what a beautiful thing.

"The one thing I wish I could have told you is how much I love you, because I do. I love you so much.  That is the only thing that is real in my life. It is the only truth that I can hold on to. You would be shocked to know that. It is the one thing that I can give and it is the one thing I won't surrender. No matter how hard the world outside is love is the one thing I have to hold on to.

"Right now, as I have told you, I am horrible. So horrible, the kind where you feel like you heart has been broken into a million pieces and people continue to step on them even though you don't know if it can be broken anymore. That is how it has always been. It will eventually repair, but I won't ever be the same. I can sometimes feel myself sinking into the darkness. I know you said I shouldn't let it happen, and I won't. I won't surrender to it. 

"You have moved on and I am still trying to accept that. The world seems to want to keep throwing curve balls at me. I just want you to know I am glad you didn't wait around for me. I can't take back what I said, but I am trying to accept what has changed. I know me coming back couldn't have made anyone's life any easier. Sometimes I wish I had really died. I do know once we catch the Covenant, I will leave the CIA. I want to go as far away as possible."

She looked at her watch and noticed the time. "I should probably go. I just wanted to thank you again for always listening and being here, even if you didn't hear me," she said. Then as she began to rise out of her seat she said in a small whisper, "I love you."

She bent over and she kissed him softly on the lips. She gave his hand a light squeeze and she let it go. She turned with a sad smile on her face and exited the room. The room once again was silent except for the monitors repeated beeping.

His eyes opened and he drew one of his hands to his lips. A sad smile spread across his face. He had heard everything.

The End

A/N: In case you didn't already pick up on it, this fic took place right after the last episode ("Missing Link").


End file.
